March 25th, 2011 by jeffmckee

Wakeboarders travel A LOT, and because of this I decided to start my own business where I swing by once or twice a week while they’re on the road just to make sure everything is safe: you know, make sure the coffee maker is unplugged and that they remembered to turn off the oven, that sort of thing. My first Client was Mr. Shane Bonifay, although he was unaware of this since he is down under in Australia and I couldn’t afford the international phone call to give him a heads up.

Getting in was much easier than I thought. He has a number code door lock so I guessed the amount of times he has been laid in his life and got in on the third try! Who knew that number would be 4 digits long? Wild right?

I had just eaten a footlong meatball sub, two cookies and a bag of jalepeno chips from subway before arriving to Shane’s, so I had to move quickly. First stop was to make sure the toilet wasn’t leaking. Since I knew the inspection might take a little time I went ahead and grabbed his roomate Clay’s Banjo so I could tune it up for him while he was at work. I believe this is the chorus to Tracey Chapman’sRevolution Song if anyone is wondering.

Next stop was to make sure he turned off his computer (which he didn’t), so I went to shut it down and noticed he was still logged into his facebook. I thought I’d go the extra mile and send some messages to hook Shane up with a couple of new industry connections etc.. So far I got him lined up for a wake camp demo out in Nebraska as soon as he gets back home that is going to pay $100 for the weekend, $200 if he does an outstanding job. I also got him locked in for a photoshoot in the Orlando with Austin Hair and Rob Absher for a wakeboarding music video titled “wake and shake (-that booty-).”

After all that hard work managing Shane’s professional business I took a break to go fishing. I had a few nibbles and then BAM! Snagged a real fighter. I guess I didn’t set the hook hard enough though cause the fish flopped off my line and onto the patio floor. I was frantically trying to get a hold of it as it flopped around, but the neighbors cat beat me to it…Plenty of fish in the sea though right?

I was about to shave my face with his trimmer just to be sure the blades were sharp when he returned home, but then when I saw all the hair clogged up in it I decided that this joke may be on me…Especially if he’s a manscaper.

When I left the bathroom I noticed Shane had a yoga mat on the shelf near his bed. He’s never admitted it to me, but I always knew he was doing some sort of strengthening exercises to keep his body healthy, so I decided to give it a whirl. My poses were a little bit rusty but I’m hoping after the 30 minute session I’ll finally be able to do those tuck knee grabs Shane does so well.

After the yoga I was a bit sweaty and completely exhausted, so I took a couple minutes to rest and had a quick read. Shane is currently reading My Booky Wook by Russell Brand. I think Russell has really inspired Shane in the past year or so, hence the leather rocker jacket and long hair Shane has been rocking.

Did you know Shane is a shoe collector? He has over 50 pairs of shoes in his closet and they are all clean as a whistle. He must have a gal that comes over and details them once every few weeks. I went ahead and tried on a few pairs because I wanted to see what it was like to wear Shane’s shoes for a day, but they were way too small for me…

Finally I wanted to make sure his 1962 collectors edition Lincoln Continental was running ok, so I went into the garage to crank her up, but it jest kept cranking and cranking and cranking…All of the sudden I heard a loud pop almost like a backfire, and then all the lights went off. I couldn’t figure out what had happened, but I did notice the hood was up and didn’t realize he had left some of his tools on top of the engine block. I think it probably just needs a new air filter and it should be good to go…

Shane, the invoice is in the mail. Make the check payable to Jeffrey McKee Enterprises and don’t worry about the car, I’m heading back over tomorrow with a couple of parts and a can of Diesel to get her back on the road!

12 Responses to “Crib Crashers: Shane Bonifay”

  1. Canuck Says:

    “I also got him locked in for a photoshoot in Orlando with Austin Hair and Rob Absher for a wakeboarding music video titled ‘wake and shake (-that booty-).’”
    That’s F-ing gold!

     
  2. steveP Says:

    with a beard like shanes you know he’s doin some manscaping… bad choice usin the trimmer!!

     
  3. R. Robot Says:

    Ah, Jeff, surprised you didn’t raid the fridge or liquor cabinet.

     
  4. Tom Says:

    man, after a lame edit on alliance you must be looking for something to revamp your image? such as using other pro riders as a platform to look cool. Keep working Jeff, you’ll get there some day

     
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  6. al Says:

    orlando is the gayest place on earth

     
  7. TED Says:

    Tom, you have zero friends. you dont know the first thing about the wake industry. thats why you aint in it son!

     
  8. Michael Says:

    LOL! Jeff

     
  9. Tom Says:

    Ted, how would you know how involved or not involved I am I the industry, nor the amount of friends I have? I simply am not a proponent of editors being self proclaimed “pro” riders. It looks bad for our sport when second rate riding that would barely pass for an amateur hour is promoted as top notch because that person is in control of the content being distributed. Ted, please spare me the childish insults next time and come up with something real if you would like to have an actual discussion.

     
  10. Nick Boville Says:

    If that is Austin Hair…well then isn’t that the kettle calling the pot black!!! haha…. Talk about a store bought “pro” athlete, whom I wouldn’t even want to watch on amateur hour!!! One word…style, or should I say lack there of, boh on and off the water!

     
  11. Trudells Says:

    Sad to see the forums being occupied by haters. Really guys? Go wakeboarding instead:)

     
  12. yewwww Says:

    this was freaking funny! nuff said!

     

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