Innuendo – Tips + Pointers
This is Innuendo, a new department for each issue of Alliance Wake. This is from the Dec/Jan issue of the mag. Check it out, we think you’ll laugh. Or cry. Or maybe even hurl. If you do all three please let us know ASAP.
artwork by Brandon Rapert
Welcome to Innuendo, a new page with no real structure, other than to provide you with some laughs… and maybe bring out your inner keyboard-troll. We’ve always believed at poking fun at ourselves (and others), and Innuendo is going to do just that. Buckle up, this is going to be a fun ride.
Tips + Pointers
Top 5 Songs “NOT” to use in your next web edit
- “Sail” – Awolnation
If this song doesn’t give you a raging broner (that’s right, broner) then Alt-Nation must not be your favorite radio station. If it is then you’re probably too busy at the gym doing bench presses with your “weekly spotter” to read this anyway.
- Anything by M83
Do you know what “M83” stands for? Neither do we, and you shouldn’t care, because we’ve all heard these songs in edits way more times than we can count. Do you know what that means? A lot. Of course it’s going to look unreal with those overused slow-mo shots of your back roll and zeached front board – you know, where the spray off your board is lit up perfectly by that midday light – but you need to know when to say when.
- “Radioactive” – Imagine Dragons
We know you all don’t want to jump on the indie/electronic craze for your edits. Heck, maybe you’ve even said, “That M83 song sounds cool, but it’s been used so much…” And damn if “Radioactive” just doesn’t reach down to your core and make your inner badass want to come out to the world and be an outer badass. Here’s some advice, we don’t want to see your inner badass. Just let him stay there for a bit longer, listen to this guilty pleasure when he needs to (preferably while home alone), and hopefully he’ll develop a more refined palate. Like Awolnation. Wait…
- “Kids” – MGMT
Holy “2013 catchy action sports song of the year,” was there an edit this wasn’t used in? Guilty as charged!
- “The Mothers We Share” – Chvrches
Yeah that clapping/snare hit would work so rad for quick cutting into the middle of a bunch of your gnarliest mediocre tricks shot from a GoPro half-covered in water spots. Heck, you could even get that artificial lens flare from your pirated version of After Effects to flash to the beats. But guess what? It’s been done. A ton.
Other Notes:
If you’re still concerned about what songs to not use, just watch any web edit of an Aussie under the age of 20. This will give you a great guideline. Thanks, grommets!
Top 5 Tricks to Avoid Regularly… Never Do… BURN WITH FIRE
1. Anything with the word “whirly” in it
We can’t believe this even needs to get brought up again, come on people. We’d rather watch paddle-board yoga than see this trick ever again. Actually we’d rather watch paddle-board yoga over a lot of things, but that’s another topic.
2. Nuclear grab
For those of you who don’t know what that is, let’s keep it that way. And for those of you who do, let’s work together and try to forget that it ever existed.
3. Backside 180 switch nose press
Yeah sure this trick looks cool, but when you’re doing it on a box that’s wider than Queen Latifah’s hips it kinda loses its “coolness”.
4. Backside 450
Nobody wants to see you chuck your carcass around like that. Especially when a two-foot wide box unexpectedly gets in the way right before you hit the water.
5. Any rail trick that takes more than three seconds to say
Watching kids hit rails these days is confusing. Take your time, do it right. If you can’t make a front board look good then you shouldn’t be doing anything involving a 360 on or off.
January 23, 2015
I am gunna make an argument that the Nuke can still live on! Now that said, I hate Nuke tantrums, Nuke Whirlys, or really any other nuclear grab glide or invert. When they are done in the aforementioned manner they are done out of connivence, because the board is already right there and all the rider has to do is stick their hand out. BUT and this is a BIG BUT, I will argue that they are rad looking if done as a straight air or to blind. When done like a method they look super cool, so I guess my point is lets hate on them in whirly birds but when done properly as a move (like a method), they are rad!
January 23, 2015
This was long overdue!!
January 24, 2015
…But just do a method and it's way better than a nuke. Methods > then everything (except maybe JD's switch methods)
January 25, 2015
Oh I've grown so tired of Alliance Wake feeling that there so "core". Whirly birds are incredible cool tricks to see done and so is a nuclear grab, if you have any flexibility to be able to grab one. Watching Dean Smith do a nuclear whirly bird(I went there I combined the two) of a kicker is awe inspiring. If we followed your guidance the only thing wakeboarders could do is grab back 3's. Can't remember the last time a back 3 got a boat load of people hollering when I passed them, might get a head nod but that's about it. Ill stick to my raley as my go to trick when your passing a boat load of people you want to impress(you all have a go to trick when passing about boat, so don't think you don't). Can't wait to read your next article about how personal drones have killed the coreness of wakeboarding.
January 26, 2015
^^ retweet
January 28, 2015
^^^Could Not agree more with Jason's comments! Only Core riders would recognize that a back 3 or 5 is more difficult than a raley. Much like a 7, if I have a boat full of casual riders and I pop a 7 in any direction, they are clueless as to what I just did and get way more excited if I blast a indy Tantrum into the flats. I personally think a Nuke done as a move like I mentioned about is harder than a proper Method, it takes More flexibility and you cant just pull it over (in a method you can grab then pull the board into the sweet spot, in a nuke you have to get the board in the proper position so you can grab it then finish tweaking it). But that is the beauty of this sport, it is what you make it out to be as long as your having fun, who cares what it looks like.
January 28, 2015
Alliance just bases their opinions of what's cool off what Jeff McKee can and can't do.
January 28, 2015
@Miss like's JD's peepee.