Innuendo – Tips + Pointers
This is Innuendo, a new department for each issue of Alliance Wake. This is from the Dec/Jan issue of the mag. Check it out, we think you’ll laugh. Or cry. Or maybe even hurl. If you do all three please let us know ASAP.
artwork by Brandon Rapert
Welcome to Innuendo, a new page with no real structure, other than to provide you with some laughs… and maybe bring out your inner keyboard-troll. We’ve always believed at poking fun at ourselves (and others), and Innuendo is going to do just that. Buckle up, this is going to be a fun ride.
Tips + Pointers
Top 5 Songs “NOT” to use in your next web edit
- “Sail” – Awolnation
If this song doesn’t give you a raging broner (that’s right, broner) then Alt-Nation must not be your favorite radio station. If it is then you’re probably too busy at the gym doing bench presses with your “weekly spotter” to read this anyway.
- Anything by M83
Do you know what “M83” stands for? Neither do we, and you shouldn’t care, because we’ve all heard these songs in edits way more times than we can count. Do you know what that means? A lot. Of course it’s going to look unreal with those overused slow-mo shots of your back roll and zeached front board – you know, where the spray off your board is lit up perfectly by that midday light – but you need to know when to say when.
- “Radioactive” – Imagine Dragons
We know you all don’t want to jump on the indie/electronic craze for your edits. Heck, maybe you’ve even said, “That M83 song sounds cool, but it’s been used so much…” And damn if “Radioactive” just doesn’t reach down to your core and make your inner badass want to come out to the world and be an outer badass. Here’s some advice, we don’t want to see your inner badass. Just let him stay there for a bit longer, listen to this guilty pleasure when he needs to (preferably while home alone), and hopefully he’ll develop a more refined palate. Like Awolnation. Wait…
- “Kids” – MGMT
Holy “2013 catchy action sports song of the year,” was there an edit this wasn’t used in? Guilty as charged!
- “The Mothers We Share” – Chvrches
Yeah that clapping/snare hit would work so rad for quick cutting into the middle of a bunch of your gnarliest mediocre tricks shot from a GoPro half-covered in water spots. Heck, you could even get that artificial lens flare from your pirated version of After Effects to flash to the beats. But guess what? It’s been done. A ton.
If you’re still concerned about what songs to not use, just watch any web edit of an Aussie under the age of 20. This will give you a great guideline. Thanks, grommets!
Top 5 Tricks to
Avoid Regularly… Never Do… BURN WITH FIRE
1. Anything with the word “whirly” in it
We can’t believe this even needs to get brought up again, come on people. We’d rather watch paddle-board yoga than see this trick ever again. Actually we’d rather watch paddle-board yoga over a lot of things, but that’s another topic.
2. Nuclear grab
For those of you who don’t know what that is, let’s keep it that way. And for those of you who do, let’s work together and try to forget that it ever existed.
3. Backside 180 switch nose press
Yeah sure this trick looks cool, but when you’re doing it on a box that’s wider than Queen Latifah’s hips it kinda loses its “coolness”.
4. Backside 450
Nobody wants to see you chuck your carcass around like that. Especially when a two-foot wide box unexpectedly gets in the way right before you hit the water.
5. Any rail trick that takes more than three seconds to say
Watching kids hit rails these days is confusing. Take your time, do it right. If you can’t make a front board look good then you shouldn’t be doing anything involving a 360 on or off.