This article is called “Wakeskate P.I.” for no real reason. I never really investigate anything. I’m actually not a Private eye or cop of any sort, screw the man, right! Well the tables have turned and I really do have something to cover or “uncover” as they say in the investigative units.

As of late different things have been popping up saying that we wakeskaters and wakeboarders are going to be the cause of no winters i.e. global warming. There are really three occurrences now that brought me to write this article.

Case One: an article last year in Snowboarder Magazine called “Wakeboarding Sucks: Global Warming’s Real Threat.” I probably would not have even brought this one up because it was so old, but hey since, we just came off one of the best winters ever up here and so did multiple other states, I figured why not. I am 100 percent sure that the guy is not only an idiot, but also completely wrong. His story and we will refer to it as a “story” because that’s what it is, goes as follows. Instead of just tell you random parts here is the whole thing: Wakeboarding Sucks: Global Warming’s Real Threat

With the lack of winter springing up globe-wide, it’s impossible for the members of snowboarding’s community to turn a blind eye. The reality is that this publication could look something like the image below in a few years if we don’t act now. Winter is being killed, so what should we do? Well, when police investigate homicides, they think of motives, and we should treat the slow-burning homicide of our big blue mother no differently. Who would benefit from the death of winter? Glen Howard, Canadian curler extraordinaire? No. Neil Kensington, Mammoth Mountain commuter, stockbroker, and multi homeowner? No. Construction workers? Maybe… But those pond-skipping boat lovers known as wakeboarders? HELL YES! When’s the last time you went to Miami and heard those guys talking about buying sweaters? Or heard them talk about anything of substance, for that matter? This piece is loaded with questions, but why? Because those outboard-chasing drunks have been duped by the boat manufacturers and oil companies to promote a sport that will increase the summer season, and it’s our duty as snowboarders to prolong the life of Old Man Winter. The more time boats can be in the water (i.e., when the lakes aren’t frozen), the more money will be dumped back into their respective industries. Wakeboarders and boat companies are maiming earth like props on manatees, and they have a powerful allegiance of dunces to boot. George W. Bush, the commander of the sun and all its heated planets, has been spending many hours behind the steering wheel of the “Universe’s mostest big boat for wakeboarders.” Is he going to be driving at the ever-moronic Wakestock, or will he show further detrimental alliance with the Israelis…I mean, Air Raleys. Laymen, lefties, righties, and conspiracy theorists alike can predict the catastrophic outcome of said relationship. “Operation Wake Up” is assuredly on the horizon for the coalition of the willing. Wakeboarders are already well-aligned with the “allies.” They live primarily in Florida—the second-most senile and corrupted state in the nation, and they love big, gas-guzzling engines on their sweet-ass boats. They don’t think about anything except passing the rope and slashing the x-axis, and they especially don’t think about the future of seasons. It is up to snowboarders, ice skaters, lugers, ski jumpers, and all other folks who partake in sports dictated by sub-zero temperatures to fight the powers that be in the battle for cold earth. Don’t let wackyboarding or its athletes gain any coverage or “props,” because once the phenomenon of this foolhardy activity hits middle America, it’s safe to say that the infection will be uncontainable.

Now we all know multiple facts of why snowboarders are just as bad on the environment as we are and everyone else in the world. I’m sure “Operation Wake Up” is really doing well. They probably have giant stickers on their giant SUVs pulling their also-stickered-up snowmobiles. They probably even put a sticker on all the cats that groom the runs all night long when the mountains aren’t open. I’m sure everyone at home can come up with some other reasons of why this is ridiculous.

When confronted about this very topic at a Dew Tour Party in Portland last summer the author of the story had nothing to back up why he even wrote it. His social skills were really that of a baby rhino. Why baby you ask? Well when some of the wake riders at the party new this storyteller was there they started heckling him a bit. In fact the main heckler was only 17 and the storyteller ended up leaving. I believe he thought he was going to get his ass kicked by said heckler. Anyhow it was a great party and I very glad to see that he could not back up something he said behind his computer.

Case Two: I happened to have a note in my truck window the other day saying, “Keep Driving Your Giant SUV. Drown a Polar Bear. Climate Change.” At the time I thought it meant this person actually saw me hit that Polar Bear, but thinking back, no one was around so it had to be referring to the fact that I drive a Ford Excursion– the biggest SUV ever made. I am not going to apologize for this purchase. I am gone more than half the year so I rarely drive it. I don’t commute to work. I really only use it to get around town sometimes and to tow my boat, the reason I bought it. Also since it really does get horrible gas mileage people are practically giving them away and since I don’t have very much money this was great. This only fits in because I’m a wake skater and have a tow rig and had a funny note put into my window because of it.

Case Three: I recently saw a thread on our beloved MEGA BLOG (thanks for the info) with some nonsense about Blind making a skateboard “global warming edition.” The graphics pertain to wakeskating and South Park for some reason. Didn’t catch the connection, but either way, this was the last thing I saw that really made me want to do this article and this one is probably my favorite. Apparently Blind is now so close to bankrupt they're putting other sports on their boards to try to sell to more kids, I guess.
I printed off the entire thread for no reason but to waste paper. Haha, just kidding. I really did print it though because I had to read it some place else and then type this at my house and since the neighbors wifi has been running slower lately I can’t always keep the windows open to read and write articles. Maybe once global warming takes over it will be warm enough in May. Anyway, with it in my hand and I took a lot more in. For instance: If you want to find local singles into surfing go to Scott A thinks we should “blame all the kids on bi-levels riding behind ’01 X-Stars! And Canadians.” Gatortails would like to be that guy, but his boat broke down. Electricsnow thinks they look like snowskates. I agree with her. Wakeskatedude from Germany agrees with the graphic and thinks that it is “awesome” he also thinks that “all boat driver are drunken at work”. G-Thug almost bought it at his local shop, I guess didn’t but ended up giving the guys at the shop a little lesson in what wakeskating was. Nice work G. Brassmonkey is getting the award for funniest person in the thread with “lol. I don’t think Blind has been in any position to be dissing anything for about the past 10 years.” I was thinking similar thoughts; you said it and it made me lol. Thanks.

I guess the real thing that I have “uncovered” is that from all these new sports recognizing us and hating on us. It just means we’ve made it. We have arrived, congratulations to everyone. Oh and about the global warming thing. Try to recycle and not drive around so much. GO GREEN!